Saturday, November 27, 2010
"Hello, mom, I have a job interview tomorrow."
Screech. Gasp. "Are you going to wear a shirt with a collar? Make sure there's no dog hair on it."
"I know m-o-t-h-e-r."
"You're rolling your eyes at me, aren't you? Stop it!"
This is such cruel punishment from my own flesh and blood. I spent most of my life cringing at the things my mother said and I'm certainly not my mother. I AM NOT MY MOTHER! Come over here closer and say that.
"So I suppose that just because I suggested it....Stop rolling!"
No, I'll say it again. I am not my mother! I'm way cool and she wasn't. When she suggested guys they were the pasty faced, choir boy, closet gay types, and when I suggest women they are hot blondes.That makes us different, right?
I don't fare any better in person. If the two of them are together, they show no mercy. I get the full frontal eye roll, the pat on the head, and the threat to put me in my mother's nursing home. I'm only 61 and I don't have dementia yet! What? What do you mean I bought you the same present last Christmas? I couldn't have. Shit, yes I did. Why didn't I remember? Yes, I know that my mother unwrapped the same presents about a dozen times one year. Well, she enjoyed them every time she opened them. What's wrong with that?
I also talk too much to strangers, which my parents did and their parents before them. It's a family tradition. I also sing along to songs in the car, I dance in the house, I check out their friends on Facebook, I tell off color jokes and just basically breathe which are all reasons for my sons to roll their eyes.
I know. It's just a matter of time before they have their own children, blah, blah, blah. They'll get the same treatment, but that is weak revenge at this point. At the rate I'm going, I won't be mentally sharp enough to be in cahoots with my grandchildren. Hopefully, I will be able to raise my gray head off the bed, hairs sprouting all over my face, and give my sons a big fat eye roll. I gotta time it right because they might just think I'm having a stroke or something.
O.K., so I'll stop now before I embarrass you and myself anymore. At least until tomorrow.