Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Job Hunting: It Ain't Pretty

Job hunting...colonoscopies...water boarding...choose one.  Personally, I'll take a colonoscopy Alex, for $1200.

Have you looked for a job lately?  What am I saying.  Everyone is looking for a job. And since everyone is looking, employers have stored work place etiquette on the top shelf along with livable wages.  They don't have to be polite now that accountants and recent law graduates are applying for entry level positions.

Here's the first scenario.  You see a job that interests you, which is a miracle in itself.  Anything that doesn't say "earn big bucks and work from home" is a viable job. (Those people should rot in Hell along with the Nigerians who send you emails about keeping their money while they fight a coup in their homeland.) You redo the resume, write a killer cover letter and fire it off.  You haven't actually lied about anything...nothing that will put you in jail, where come to think of it, you get three meals a day and a bed.  Maybe crime does pay.

Sometimes you're lucky and can actually drop your resume off at a real office.  Back in the day, being able to walk in the door and schmooze the receptionist got you a few extra points.  "Hey, boss.  That stunning woman who just dropped off a resume would be a perfect fit for the job, and she thought my cross stitch computer cover was just the cutest thing she ever saw.  Can we hire her?  Please?"  You think I'm joking?  It's worked before.  Now the receptionist won't even make eye contact.  Job seekers are a pathetic bunch of desperate people.  I wouldn't look either.

Now, most resumes end up in the internet Bermuda Triangle.  Did they get it?  Will I get a generic response?  Hello!  Is anyone out there?  Why did you advertise?  Do you really have a job or is this some cruel joke?  Did you already hire your wife's cousin because your sex life depends on it?  I don't know.  When you aren't working, you have time to make up outrageous and sometimes true situations.

Another scenario, that doesn't happen often, is lining up outside a business to get an application.  Moooo.  Something smells familiar.  An employer may try this tactic once and only once.  You know what?  Maybe all applications should be handed out this way.  You hear that hundreds of people apply for one job, but it would make an impact on the sanctimonious politicians and business owners that the numbers are real people.

The final insult and a sharp kick to the tookus is the dead silence after an interview.  You remember interviews, don't you?  An employer calls, sets an appointment, gets your little hopes and ambitions in a tizzy, and off you go in your Sunday best to make that great first impression.  Please don't let my palms be sweaty.  Don't let there be a booger hanging out of my nostril.  And then....nothing.  They don't call.  They don't email.  Just a big, black NOTHING.

Let me be the first to volunteer to torture these people for all of eternity.  No, wait, I want to get paid for this because I am looking for a job.  I would force them to fill out applications 24 hours a day while bagpipers played behind their chair.  I could do this.

I'm not bitter.  No, I'm just pissy mad.  I'm sitting by the phone and I ain't getting any prettier.


  1. Such excellent, hilarious writing -- am selfishly enjoying your unemployment. But I would be more than willing to find other happy diversions if someone would please hire you! (I think you should submit this somewhere ... does Newsweek still do the "my turn" piece?)

  2. Thanks...but here's a little secret. I got a call while writing this with a job offer. It starts part time but will probably turn into full time and I actually think I will like it. I still would like to get published and will work on it. Thanks for the encouragement.

  3. Hey the guy who writes a weekly humor column in our newspaper does an excellent job, but he's no funnier than you. OBTW, I understand Yellowstone will be hiring for next summer. Maybe with all your experience you could demand $7.50 an hour this year.

    It's good to be retired.

  4. Hey Scott...yuk, yuk about Yellowstone. They can kiss my......


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